How to Ask Your Spouse for a Divorce
You've done the soul searching, sought out marriage counseling, and came to the decision that you must move forward with a divorce. Now, you might be asking yourself "how do I go about bringing up the topic of divorce with my spouse?" There is no easy way to talk to your spouse about getting a divorce. There's just no way to do it that doesn't leave you both with at least some emotional and mental stress. The entire divorce process is going to be hard, but you will get through it.
We've been handling San Diego divorce cases for nearly 15 years in Southern California, and have heard innumerable ways individuals have “The Talk”. Truth be told, there is no one way that will work best for everyone. But we're hoping we can offer some insight and general guidance during one of the most stressful and difficult times in your life – it's what we're here for, to be your divorce coach.
If you're reading a post about how to ask for a divorce, I think it's safe to assume that you've made your decision. Perhaps you've tried marriage counseling or a trial separation, or you've been weighing the pros and cons for months and now you are ready to go through the divorce proceedings. Depending on if you have kids, you may have thought about child custody. Whatever the case, let's assume that you've determined once and for all that you have no other option. Now that it's time to officially break the news to your spouse, whether it comes as a surprise or the writing has been on the wall for some time, you're probably already feeling overwhelmed and lost. Hopefully, we can help you feel better prepared to handle this.
A Guide to Asking for a Divorce
KNOWING WHEN TO BREAK THE NEWS
First things first – do you have the talk one-to-one? If there is a history of domestic violence, this conversation is not a situation that should be dealt with lightly. Safety is paramount! An experienced attorney can help you contact a local domestic violence shelter if someone feels they are in danger from an abusive partner. These shelters and/or trained counselors can provide you with advice, counseling, shelter, and resources to deal with this situation.
Other resources include calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.thehotline.org to find services in the local area. Also, speaking with an experienced attorney may give rise to the advice to first go to a local family court and get a restraining order or an order of protection.
Assuming no domestic violence or other safety issues, our suggestion is to get it done. Don't put it off. It will be a difficult time no matter when you do it. Once you know that you want to get a divorce, there's no reason to agonize over the decision and suffer for weeks or months. It's best to get it out in the open so that you can move forward. It can be a huge relief to finally acknowledge to one another that the marriage is not working. If you're struggling to bring yourself to have this talk, we recommend setting a deadline. Decide that by the end of the week how and when you will tell your spouse.
However, you want to make sure that you pick an appropriate time for this tough conversation. If it's two in the morning and you've just realized you want a divorce, it's not a good idea to wake your spouse to tell them this news. Try to find a time that will give you both enough space to fully process this life-changing step. You'll want to make sure that neither of you has anything scheduled right after the conversation, because you'll both be feeling a little preoccupied, to say the least.
PREPARATION IS KEY
As to how to handle the conversation itself, it can be very helpful to rehearse ahead of time. You may want to practice what you're thinking of saying. While you're running through it, try to imagine the ways that your spouse may react and respond. It's very easy to get pulled into a drawn-out discussion of how the marriage has progressed to this point, and it can be an exhausting endeavor.
It's not always necessary to explain yourself. If you feel that you would not benefit from an in-depth examination of the past, it's perfectly alright to remain focused on where you are now and what comes next. Your spouse will not be as prepared to have this conversation, so you must be ready to respond in the manner you think would be best. Be as direct and honest as possible, but do not feel that you have to explain your reasons.
In some cases, when you have already decided divorce is the best option, and there is no changing your mind, it can be kinder to avoid dissecting the marriage, as this can easily turn into the “blame game”. At this point, neither of you will benefit from talking about fault. Remain calm and redirect the conversation to territory that you are comfortable with.
In addition, we strongly suggest seeking the services of a licensed and qualified (i.e. works with individuals and families going through a divorce) mental health counselor to assist with this difficult transition for children of divorce and give the proper counseling tailored to your particular situation. Our family law firm routinely assists our clients to find the appropriate mental health counselors to assist them through these difficult situations.
CONSIDER YOUR PARTNER'S EMOTIONS
Perhaps the most important piece of advice is to be prepared for the intense emotions from your spouse, especially with a spouse with anger. Feelings of anger, sorrow, betrayal, and guilt can bring out our worst sides, and unfortunately, this can lead to a dangerous situation. This is not always the case, but it is always better to err on the side of caution. You know your spouse best, but people can be unpredictable, and if you feel at any time that your safety or your spouse's safety is at risk, end the conversation as calmly as possible, and leave.
Consider having this talk somewhere public that still affords a moderate amount of privacy. For those of you that do not feel safe having this conversation in person, trust your instincts. If you have concerns about how to handle this conversation safely, we strongly recommend that you take the time to come up with a list of questions to ask a divorce attorney before discussing this with your spouse. It's better to be safe than sorry.
HAVE A PLAN FOR AFTERWARD
Have a plan for afterward and think about the consequences of divorce. Consider discussing this ahead of time with a trusted friend or family member, so that someone is ready to support you in any way that you may need – mentally, emotionally, or even financially. It's very common for one or both spouses to stay with a friend or family member immediately after agreeing that they'll be getting a divorce.
Most married couples live together, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the emotional fallout of this initial talk and move on to dealing with the practical side of things, such as where you each will be living. If you don't think that you'll each be able to reach an agreement, that's alright. Now is the time to think ahead and decide what would be best for yourself. Review your marital property, finances, and expected living expenses over the coming months, as there may be a need to get a new place to stay, pay for costs of living, etc. The court process is often slow due to case backlog, so getting needed financial orders may not happen for months after filing for divorce. You need to be prepared.
If you know that you would be more comfortable leaving your house after you talk to your spouse but you don't have anyone that is able to accommodate you, you may want to book a hotel room in advance. If you know that you'll be departing directly after this conversation, it's a good idea to have your things gathered (including copies of financial documents, etc.) and ready to go before you begin the talk.
If you have questions about the implications of leaving the marital home and how it may or may not affect the division of assets, custody arrangements, or if divorce mediation may be an option, it's a great idea to ask an experienced San Diego divorce attorney ahead of time. As experienced San Diego divorce attorneys, we're here to answer that and any other questions you'd have during a complimentary consultation.