Tips For Talking To Your Children During a Divorce
If you're going through a divorce with children, breaking the news and communicating with them through the process can seem daunting. If you're having the very first initial discussion of the divorce, there are several key things that you must understand about how the discussion will go. No matter how gently or basically the news is delivered, your children will likely be confused, regardless of their age. The main emotional triggers for children during this time are change and loss, and this can lead to several emotions and behavioral changes.
Some children will feel angry, and others will be overcome with sadness or even blame themselves for what's happening. All children, however, will feel fear. The fear of change, or simply an anxiety that life as they have come to understand it will never be the same. You must understand that this is normal, but there are things you can do to help those around you move through the divorce process easier.
TIPS FOR TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN DURING A DIVORCE
First and foremont, we believe that helping your children through a divorce means that both parents commit to doing their part. With some basic guidelines and principals, you can make a huge difference in your children's lives. Through our research we've compiled a list of tools that will help you talk to your children during the divorce process. In addition to these tips, we strongly suggest seeking the services of a licensed and qualified (i.e. works with child and/or families going through divorce) mental health counselor to assist with this difficult transition for children of divorce, and give the proper counseling tailored to your particular situation. Our family law firm routinely assists our clients find the appropriate mental health counselors to assist them through these difficult situations. For more reading, we loved BabyCenter.com's article: "How to talk to Children 5-8 about your divorce."
1. Treat them like they know what divorce is
This may seem a bit odd, but it makes complete sense when you truly analyze the scenario. If your children are over the age of 5, it is likely that they already have an idea of what divorce is. By 8 years of age, they surely will know what this entails. They have already formed significant social relationships and they understand that divorce means their parents relationship is over.
When you sit your kids down to deliver the news, you should keep in mind that they will have some sort of familiarity with the word. You don’t have to go into fine details on what divorce is and what it means, unless they ask specific questions of course. By going into great detail upon delivery of the news, you are only working to drive a negative point home further.
2. Use the word ‘divorce’
As a parent, it is your duty to use the actual word ‘divorce’ with your kids when speaking with them about it. When parents decide to divorce, they are undeniably making this word a part of their children’s lives forever. While the word will not be comfortable for your children early in the process, it is crucial that they understand the finality of what is happening.
One of the biggest mistakes that parents make when talking to their children about divorce is using ‘disguise’ words in place of ‘divorce’. Don’t tell your children that one of the parents is ‘going away’ or that you guys are ‘taking a break’. Also, the last thing your children need to hear are that you "might" get divorced. Be sure that divorce is the measure you are taking and be clear and firm.
3. Emphasize that it isn’t their fault
This is especially important with younger children. Kids tend to naturally blame themselves when their parents go through a divorce. There are two primary age periods that this happens. Children ages 5-8 will typically feel that they did something wrong. They have been programmed that things are ‘taken away’ when they make mistakes. It is especially important for both parents to shoulder the blame, and shift it from their minds immediately upon delivering the news.
Adolescents also blame themselves. This is a very confusing time in development for a teenager, and this sort of devastating news typically makes a teen feel like they ‘aren’t good enough’ or ‘couldn’t keep their parents together’. Constant reassurance is key to preventing this thought from entering into their minds.
4. Be a team – be equal
A divorcing couple knows which parent ultimately instigated the divorce. While both parties sometimes mutually divorce, it is more common that one of the spouses decided it was the right time. Your children shouldn’t be made aware of this information in the early stages, if at all. It is likely that they will figure it out on their own as the process moves along. When this happens, parents need to stay united, even in such trying times.
Even though a marriage is ending, the parenting relationship won’t be dissolving. Your children shouldn’t be put in a position to have to be judge and jury. Under no circumstances should any details that could affect your children’s opinion be given to them. You must appear in agreement on the decision to divorce. They should see maturity from their parents, and shouldn’t feel that one of you did something to end the marriage.
5. Communicate that they will still have you
Children must know that you aren’t leaving them. A divorce will certainly change the family dynamic, but your kids should know that they will still have their mother and father as the transition takes place. They are sure to ask tough questions at this time.
You should reinforce that you will both be at all of their functions. Let them know that even if both of you are not in the same house, you are always a phone call away when they need anything. Let them know that you will see them consistently and regularly.
Divorce is a devastating change for both the parents and the children. We hope that this article helps shed some light on the best ways to communicate with your children during a divorce. If you're in San Diego, CA and have questions about the divorce process, don't hesitate to send us a message.